First off, let me make one thing perfectly clear. I love porn. Love it. Love love love it. Adore it. There is nothing more beautiful in the world than watching a gorgeous woman having sex, whether it is with a man, a woman, 2 men, 2 women, 2 women and a man, 2 men and 2 woman, or 6 guys and a midget. I love it all. I am a big fan of BSMD kinky stuff, as well as romantic loving porn, or just some good old fucking. Porn is fantastic. Yea porn!

My woman and I watch porn together. She is into women too, and we compare which women we would want to do. If you think porn is hot when you watch it alone, try watching it with a real life woman. I know thousands of guys either don’t have a real life woman or have to hide their porn from their real life woman, but I highly recommend finding a real life woman that will watch porn with you. It seriously beats jerking your meat alone in the dark. Trust me.

Like any other guy who watches porn, I fantasize about having sex with the beautiful ladies on the screen. Porn lets you see what the prettiest women on the planet look like nekkid, and I take full advantage of that. When it comes to fantasies, I have had some real humdingers.

But there is not a single moment that I ever believe that I could be having actual sex with any of these beautiful porn actress  women. No matter how great my fantasy might be, it will remain a fantasy. To summarize, here is why I could never make it as a porn actor.

REASON #1: To quote a line from The Water Boy, “I am not a handsome man!”. Unfortunately, I was not blessed with a face that anyone wants to look at, and my naked body would scare most porn actresses into celibacy. Notice that all of the porn guys are good looking dudes? I’ve never seen a porn movie with a real life Best Buy computer salesman porking some young hottie. (I don’t work at Best Buy, by the way).

REASON #2: The second reason is my pecker. You can tell how big a guy’s Johnson is by how he refers to it. If he called it his “penis”, you better break out the magnifying glass. “Dick” is regular sized – not impressive, but at least it is not a “penis”. If a guy calls his member a “cock”, then he is packing some meat. These are the guys who are hung like a horse.  I’ve always wanted a “cock”, but I was stuck with the lower end of the “dick” scale. My little buddy is a full 6 inches, sometimes 6 ¼ when watching a Christina Carter video. But I am woefully short of having a “cock”.

And no guy in porn has a 6 inch dick. Have you seen these guys lately? Most guys in porn don’t have “cocks”, they have Hillshire Farms Summer Sausages! Those frigging cocks are HUGE! Jesus Christ! I’ve never had a vagina, but I can imagine taking a Volkswagon up mine if I did. When these guys get hard, I don’t understand why they don’t pass out. There can’t be any blood left in their veins.

Me and my little buddy could never make it in the porn world. And they don’t make push up bras for little dicks to look better.

REASON #3: Let’s just call it “staying power”. It blows me away that porn scenes last anywhere from 15 to 30 minutes of fucking and sucking. In my world, anything past 4 minutes of uninterrupted touching of my dick qualifies as a marathon. How the hell do these guys last that long? In the same amount of time that the average male porn star has sex, I can have sex, pay the bills, mow the front lawn, and make it back for the cum shot. Holy cow! If I could last that long in the sack, my little dick might be so much of an issue.

I could never make 1 long porn movie – I’d have to make lots and lots of short porn movies instead.

REASON 4: The 4^th reason I could not make it in porn is the grooming required to be a porn star. Don’t get me wrong, I shower as much as the next guy, and I pride myself on lack of body odor. But it you watch a lot of porn, you realize that the guys don’t have any pubic hair. Their crotch is as bare Bruce Willis’s head. Not a single pube to be found anywhere.

Which brings me to my point – there is no way in hell that I am shaving my testies. Never. Nada. No way. Not gonna do it. Listen, I have a beard because I hate to shave my face, and my face is WAY less sensitive than my ball sack. The thought of taking a cold razor to my twigs and berries gives me the shivers. If I were to cut myself down there, I would panic and call 911, and then some ugly paramedic named Reg would come and tape up my balls. And as exciting as that might be for Reg, it just ain’t happening.

So to summarize, I could never make it in the world of porn. And my limitations make me admire those who are in the industry even more. It takes a huge amount of courage, strength, patience, and self assuredness to fuck on camera so people like me can fantasize about joining in. But let’s keep the fantasies in Fantasyland, and real sex in the real world. Well, at least until some mad scientist invents “Grow Ray” that will transform my dick into a summer sausage.